Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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