my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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