Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
