Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Please don't give away my fajitas
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
