We're facebook friends in real life
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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