I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
