He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
