My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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