Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize