Umm I'm too high to move.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
