We're facebook friends in real life
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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