After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize