is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
