Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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