There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
