Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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