No stitches, just platelets and will power
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
