i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
