You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
