Having a random hookup so left but love u
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Randomize
