I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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