break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
