If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Come share oat with me in your robe
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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