She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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