in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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