I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
