so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
