hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
