Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
