tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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