He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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