I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
