We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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