If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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