Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
