I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
