Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
