why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize