yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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