Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
