she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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