I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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