I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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