That's intense
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
