she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
