I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
