Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
