you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
