i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
