our cab driver is having phone sex.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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