I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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