Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
