Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
