He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
