I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
