How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize