This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
