just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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