I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize