just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
